Rowena Kincaid has actually terminal cancer – yet she is refusing to offer in.
Diagnosed along with breast cancer 2009, she was told she would certainly never live long enough to celebrate her 40th birthday.
But she’s proved doctors wrong, and now she has actually written an open letter to her cancer.
Her letter in full
Do you know that you’re dealing with? I honestly don’t believe you do.
I have actually some tip of exactly what you are about, and I fully understand your mission. I don’t understand why you came in to my life, yet I don’t dwell upon it.
I won’t offer you the satisfaction of using up my mental energy attempting to figure that out. I did underestimate you, maybe that’s due to the fact that I’ve never truly feared you.
You have actually changed my life completely, and for this you are unforgiven.
I remember the day we met, you introduced yourself to me as the lump in my breast.
In all fairness you earned yourself known, you were so painful that I couldn’t ignore you, I simply didn’t believe for one second it was you.
I bet you were truly pleased along with yourself as soon as all the doctors misdiagnosed me, over and over again.
“Pain is a good sign, it’s the lumps that don’t hurt you should look out for.”
At 33 years old, I was apparently too young for anything as sinister as yourself, and exactly what I had was “fibrous tissue”.
They said they couldn’t feel you, “no lump found” was typed in to my medical notes. I bet you had a excellent time knowing this, sniggering, having much more time to grow and thinking you were never going to be detected.
But this young woman knew something wasn’t right, I know my body, and I never offer up.
When I eventually managed to be checked by a specialist, four months later, I remember – and this is absolutely flabbergasting – you even managed to disguise yourself as something “benign” on the ultrasound!
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Fearless: Rowena was diagnosed in 2009
Now, that truly was clever! You must be a magician not cancer. No, really, you should! You were fooling everyone, or so you thought, until your cover was blown by a biopsy.
I know you don’t care, yet I want you to know that once I was told you were in my body, my life, the one I had, disappeared.
The person I’ve now become is a radically changed version of my former self. I cried, saying goodbye to the old me, and tried to look ahead to exactly what I could become.
I didn’t know exactly how I would certainly be. I didn’t know exactly what was to come.
You did, however, push me to become much more defiant and, actually, a lot much more positive compared to I was prior to I met you.
I was indeed quite positive, it was adore a light switch had gone on in my head. I decided you were not going to take me, and so have actually stayed that means ever since.
I was glad you were cut from my chest, yet I didn’t want the chemo. It was such aggressive treatment and, at the time, I didn’t realise exactly how aggressive you were too.
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Still smiling: Mrs Kincaid is refusing to offer in
I had an idea, yet I didn’t know you well enough at the time. I still had it though, it was the only thing to stop you spreading.
I was swept away along with a diary full of hospital appointments. No time to truly stop and think, every little thing happened so fast, and yet it was additionally a slow, painful process.
Each treatment was a hurdle. I simply constantly remained focused in this imaginary Olympian race, to jump each and every last one. Never thinking too much, simply going along with exactly what called for to be done, to overcome your sorry ass.
In this time you took away my blueprint, every little thing I believed I looked like, or exactly how I felt.
During and after surgery and treatment, I didn’t recognise myself anymore. I lost self-confidence in exactly how I looked, two stone heavier, bald, scarred physically and mentally.
I found myself apologising to everyone for the means I looked, even to strangers that hadn’t seen exactly what I looked adore before.
I called for adore and comfort, so the worst portion was I couldn’t even get hold of close to a man, or go dating, for fear that he would certainly see my scars.
Plus, I didn’t feel desirable, exactly what along with having no hair. To me, I looked adore an alien. My clothes didn’t fit any kind of more, and this person that had taken over wasn’t me.
I wanted my old self back. My mirror constantly showed somebody else recalling at me. I didn’t know her.
You truly did put my life on hold, it became a big void. A big black hole of lost. You additionally interrupted my work. It took years after your visit for me to restore my career.
So you truly did throw me a curveball; one that as soon as I felt much better again, I believed I’d dodged.
You were simply a blip to me, and once treatment ended, I started to get hold of my life spine on track.
I believed strongly I would certainly never meet you again and, if I was to, I hoped it joined the distant future as soon as I’d perhaps had my own family and done all the points I’d wanted to do.
The future me, I thought, might be much more all set for you. The believed was constantly there, yet I moved on and rebuilt myself and every little thing else you took away. I was cancer free.
I now know you knew exactly what you were doing. You are so calculated and sly, has actually anyone ever told you that?
For three years you slept, you truly were very, quite quiet. I’m almost sure you were waiting for the time in my life as soon as every little thing was going well for a change.
Job opportunities were coming my means (after working that extra mile to catch up along with life again), my physique was as fit as a fiddle, my hair had grown spine and I felt adore me, albeit a brand-new me. I was happy!
You truly did go with your timing, I do wonder if it was deliberate. Was it?
Again, vigilant, I believed something wasn’t rather right along with my breast bone in December 2012.
You hid yourself, so well in reality that the specialists believed nothing of it. I guess there isn’t much guide regarding exactly how you act, as soon as you’re on a mission to return. It’s still a bit of a mystery.
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‘You truly did go with your timing, I do wonder if it was deliberate. Was it?’
I wonder exactly how long you were there, busy spreading yourself about my body, while I was happily getting on along with my life?
Do feel free to answer that, as soon as you stop busying yourself along with much more invasions.
By April 2013 I knew something wasn’t right as soon as the pain spread up my breastbone, collar bone, between my shoulder blades and down my arm to the elbow, and became unbearable.
I couldn’t dress myself, touch my head, laugh devoid of hurting, hold a mug in my hand, or sleep in any kind of placement devoid of agony.
You on the others hand were having a field day, a merry old time, and again I was told this was not you, and not to worry.
So I lived on painkillers and took up physiotherapy, and presumed you were RSI.
Looking back, I must thank you for attempting to tell me you were back, due to the fact that you did try rather hard to really, yet between myself not having a clue regarding exactly what to look for (I believed you’d make a lump again) and the specialists not investigating your now obvious signs, I didn’t heed your warnings until you shouted “I’m back!” really loud, and frighteningly clear.
And so we met again, only this time you were uncontrollable, formidable, permanently in charge and life threatening.
You sneaked up on me adore the bitch that you are, ripping your means throughout my whole chest, and producing a tumour the size of a baked potato.
Thanks to you, I am now covered along with masses of internal scars, from the growth and shrinkage of your lots of tumours since; evidence of the wars I’ve waged versus you along with chemo and radiotherapy.
This civil war of ours has actually been raging solidly for two years now; if you count the years I didn’t know I was actually fighting you, seven. I didn’t stop chemo for a whole year. Not one month was I chemo free, due to the fact that I knew you would certainly try to spread further.
If I had so much as a little rest, you were in there, faster compared to a fox along with a hen.
You are so adamant that this physique will certainly be yours, and you’ve worked out exactly how to resist one chemo at a time. You’ve almost worked out my current one, I’m simply waiting for you to confirm you have.
You’ll be pleased to know I’ve run from weapons after this one, and I only tell you this as I chance you prove to me some mercy for a short time. I applaud your ingenuity, yet I additionally hate you.
Sometimes I feel sorry for you though, due to the fact that you are after all, portion of me. A permanently bad version of me.
All you are doing is surviving, adore I am, that’s exactly what you are programmed to do.
You believe you’re right, yet I can easily tell you, you’re not. Can’t you see? The physique you are surviving for will certainly die if you don’t stop. You won’t have actually a physique to survive in, if you carry on. You’re acting adore a parasite!
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Proving them wrong: She was told she would certainly not live long enough to celebrate her 40th birthday
But I guess you can’t see, you are simply on your big old mission of self destruction, the only one you know and understand. You’ve conquered my lymphatic system and now you’ve managed to established camp in my lungs.
I know it is only a matter of time until you take a jolly holiday to my liver and brain, due to the fact that being the sort of cancer you are, those are your favourite destinations. I know you intend to settle down in these excellent places sometime soon too, that’s if you haven’t started to already.
This time round, I still wasn’t all set for you, I don’t believe I ever will certainly be.
The fear of your return was better compared to actually facing you again, due to the fact that I’m between a rock and a hard place, as they say.
Not much I can easily do regarding it. I still refuse to prove to you fear, not while I have actually breath in my lungs.
Sometimes you throw me off road along with your invisible punches, so I simply select myself up and dust myself off, and continue walking.
Sometimes you make me cry devoid of warning, in the strangest and most public of places.
I don’t care, I’m not ashamed that you do. Maybe I will certainly eventually prove to you exactly how scared I am, yet not right now, not as soon as there are points I can easily do.
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You see, I’m going to miss out on this planet we’re on and I’m going to make the most of it! I’m going to appreciate every single moment of every day, every week and every month. I will certainly go on to fight you.
I’m going to be as “normal” as possible, although you have actually again successfully put my life spine in to suspended animation, much, much worse compared to before, yet I won’t let you make me feel adore I did the very first time we met, you can’t hurt me adore you did.
I am not that girl anymore. If anything I’m staying glamorous, I’m standing tall.
I’m proud of exactly what my physique has actually been through and exactly what it continues to do while it fights you, it’s withstood much more compared to I could ever have actually imagined.
I’m going to prove to the globe exactly how to deal along with you, show exactly how you treat people. I’m going to enhance awareness regarding you, so you and all your others sort of “friends” don’t take lives.
Most of all I am confident in my own strength, yet I now don’t and will certainly never underestimate yours.
Yes, you started a fight that I know you will certainly eventually win, yet I know you quite well now.
If you’re waiting for me to offer up, offer up the life you’ve taken chunks out of, offer up after fighting you so hard and so long, you are sorely mistaken! Thanks to you, I now have actually an even bigger fire in my belly, a huge lust for life, and have actually the mental strength of an Amazonian.
I finally know my worth. Blame yourself for the strength I set upon you, you earned me this way. although you affect me physically, you will certainly not define me, and as soon as the time comes and you shoot me down, I know I will certainly have actually offered my all, and done myself proud.
So cancer tell me… do you know that you are dealing along with now?
Before I Kick the Bucket: The Whole Story is on BBC One Wales at 9pm on Monday.
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